I have often wondered why I don't see much about what really happens between a couple when one of them is dying...and/or maybe I just haven't read the correct books to find the information I seek.
I know that emotion is unique to an individual and that we all experience a level of emotion unique to us and I would like to think that my experience is not unique but I have not read any thing like my experience .
My partner was ill and he was a special person that had a huge circle of friends and I actually was not in that circle. We met a short time after his illness was diagnosed. As he became more ill I noticed that our intimacy was creating a tremendous physical and psychological change in me and I was drained and tired and thinking more about wht it was like in the after life...I had never thought of this much...I could feel energy particles floating in my head and when we were intimate I felt like I was burning up from the inside out.....I would lie awake for long periods of time in this stupor of racing energy throughout my body and I was fearful that if I fell asleep I would not wake up.... I made it through those times and became numb on some level. Shortly after his death is when the biggest struggle for me began...
I did not feel myself.....I felt numb and figured that was normal after losing someone...I existed and went on from day to day still numb on the inside...fighting myself to keep going... there was always this voice within me that was struggling with being in the present....I felt sad...I was so sad...but it was actually more than that....
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