HONORING YOUR BELIEF

I never went back to my roots much....but last year I did to take care of my mom which I have spoken of here....

I met my brother's son, he was a very nice young man.......I really liked him...trying to build relationships on short time spans is not at all easy however one way I have of telling if some is comfortable with me is when they ask a question and I vaguely remember him asking about why I did not attend my biological daughter's wedding....

My bio daughter is a wonderful person and is very generous and like me has this openness that is to be admired. She and her parents took a trip to my home town to meet the family. I did not attend that either...I was asked but I was in Oregon and ill at the time and I also felt it was there trip....after that meeting my mom and her parents kept in contact, hence, when the wedding came up...they generously invited them.

Well, I could not attend because I felt like that was her special day with her parents. They had raised her and they needed to be given the honor that they deserved for all the hard work they did. I felt like my presence would have been distracting and I did not want her mom to have any feelings other than the joy a mother feels when her child meets the man she is to spend her life with... and they celebrate that occasion.

I hope that he understood...I am living up to my expectations of me...

HONORING THE JOURNEY OF ILLNESS

When I became ill, my first thought was that of fear...what is this....let's get to someone and have it checked out and then I can deal with the diagnosis...so many things were happening to me that I did not understand however, what I do know is how I have always dealt with illness....get up and keep going and you will get through it...and you know what...it worked for a long time....most of my life....so to start having so many weird symptoms was fearful...and yet...there was a knowing within me that some of this was out of my control and that until I did the work it would continue....what I did not know at that time was...what the work was....and how to deal with it all...thank goodness for SL...

I am sure you are all familiar with those old card catalog file boxes in the library...well...I had a couple hundred in my mind...every time during my life that I did not want to deal with something I put it in one of those drawers and closed it with the intent of analyzing it later and then dealing with it...well I became an expert at that file system....from the time I was very young until I was about 50....I smile now but there were many thousands of drawers with "stuff" and if any one that has had a spiritual awakening can imagine....I would be on a journey that would consume me for some time...I have survived and am still working on "my stuff" and "I am a work in progress" and will remain so for my entire life because I want to push my limits in as many areas as possible.

I believe when we get a life threatening illness it is a wake up call...the call may be different for all of us, however the call THEN CONSUMES US AND THOSE CLOSE TO US...we are out of control......nothing is important except finding the answer, as we quickly scurry to look OUTSIDE OF OUR SELF. we oftentimes even let others that are near and dear to us do the work for us ....THE WORK THAT I BELIEVE WE HAVE TO DO ....THE ANSWERS AND THE PATH ARE WITHIN US....WE NEED TO TAKE THAT RESPONSIBILITY.

HONORING THE ELDERS

A wonderful day with sunshine and tropical breezes and wonderful people.

I picked up an Auntie and took her to her church today...she is another amazing example of living, well into 88th year...she takes care of herself and her yard and smokes up a storm and speaks of her childhood and early womanhood coming to Oahu from the Big Island. A one man woman I think...she just speaks of her husband (he has passed) with great respect...as so often happens in Hawaii we have garages or lanai's that are in the garage area and we put more of our "stuff" out there and comfy chairs to sit and that is where I sit with her and listen to her stories of the past (sometimes repeated time after time) and her opinions of some people in her life....she is alone...only one sister on the Big Island...she seems not to have any close ties...and why do I sit...................and listen..........because it is something that gives me pleasure....to just give my ear for a time and the stories are interesting and of course I ask her questions which bring new stories...............I respect the fact she is here and in good shape and is ageing with such grace and dignity........time is the only gift I have for her....and for me.....it seems quite selfish to me .....it does make me feel good....

STRUGGLING WITH MY DEFINITION OF INTEGRITY

Merriam-Webster defines it as follows:

1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values:incorruptibility
2 : an unimpaired condition : soundness
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : completeness

http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/integrity/

Today I struggle with my integrity to the degree that I am searching for the definition that fits for me....interesting....the one that is really going to shake my world and my choices...the link above really gets into it...

Yet again, it is one of those areas that I struggle with...from time to time... am I willing to give up a friendship with someone because I am doubting my integrity in our relationship...

I have crossed lines all my life...some I am not so proud of...

and excerpt from that article : ..."The pursuit of adequate personal integrity often depends, not so much on understanding who one is and what one believes and is committed to, but rather understanding what one's society is and imagining what it could be."

My quest for love for me has been one of openness...if I happen to meet you and love you ...there were no restrictions...I did not ask anything of you...when we were together we were and when we were apart we were...I have no memory of me chasing someone to ask for more...it seems that I left it up to them ...if they wanted to be with me they would call and if they didn't ...to be honest....I was busy...being a single parent working and raising 3 children....so I left it up to the universe to take care of me .....I could, but will not try to analyze all that here because I have already, and it was as it was supposed to be and now is now...

My current dilema is a person who I loved in the past appearing in my present and my struggle with the appropriateness of the current. We shared an intimate closeness that was special for us both and it is comforting to know that he too remembers this. I had thought he would "save me from myself" at one point and be my main man with the house and kids. It was a fantasy thought of mine...these little fantasies I conjured up to keep my life interesting for me and dream the dreams with possibilities of realities...........alas....our lives went in different directions...he is now married and I am happy for him.

I have no questioning of our friendship....my integrity glitch here is ....the appropriateness of our conversations of the intimate times we shared....I am uncomfortable with it in my mind .....I struggle with the fact that I am not honoring another woman.. .....as long as I continue to have conversation with him.........

My Children

Oftentimes I feel compelled to write and then have the conversation in my head and wander through my thought process never recording the thought ..so...in my quest to change and document I attempt to describe what is within me...

I have four children, four of my greatest teachers. One of those teachers is my biological child that I relinquished at birth to wonderful people who gave her all that I wanted her to have from the beginning of her life. I, however being the creature that I am, would never allow her to go without knowing where she was and so I read the papers when the attorney left the office at one of my appointments. Every year I checked their location to make sure I did not lose contact. It was what I had to do. It was not easy, there was always this wonder if she was okay. There were times when I would buy her dresses and wrap them up ready to mail and then would unwrap them and just keep them in the closet. Eventually I would give them to someone as a gift. There was also a time when I made phone calls wanting to hear her voice and ask for someone else...I am not sure at this time but I do think she asked me if i had done this also...

I contacted her parents shortly after she turned 21 and they gave her my information. She called and we talked and then wrote and then when she was comfortable she came for a visit. It was great. She is great. A mirror of self....how I have changed and evolved, however, she was in some ways much more evolved and my hope for her is to continue on her path of living and learning.

I have 3 Asian children from Korea. My son, arrived first, at the age of 8, and one year later, two girls that were natural sisters, ages 8 and 9. I had no idea. So, three Asian children in one year and none of us spoke the same language....I can't imagine being put on a plane at that age and being sent to a different country with different looking people unable to speak their language. We all made it...and it was quite an adventure...I have to say I felt great and found another element of self...it was all about learning and teaching and exposure and fun and what a wild ride on the merry go round of life.....

I think for the most part we all had a great time...we worked hard, we played hard, we laughed and cried and we stretched.

For me, one question that has been asked the most in regard to my children is ......do you feel different about adopted vs. biological... They are all my children, my path was to unite them on some front with me...it was to be this way. I do not understand how I could love one more than the other or differently. I remember having some knowing that I would be adopting.

Teaching children opened up an entirely new thinking system to me. You better do what you say because they are watching and they will call you on your stuff...I learned that real quick. They do listen and they do watch what you do....and how you walk this earth .... I started walking it much differently very quickly. I had no clue how to raise a child...the way I was raised was in fear...not something I wanted to do...so I did have a base...do not raise them that way. Love, understanding, natural consequences. Give up the spanking and hitting....I did a few and then it just took too much out of me and I realized...the spanking was my anger and frustration at not be able to influence behaviours that were not acceptable...and my frustrations with life....I made many blunders and did some crazy stuff................I can remember a Thanksgiving when they were all at the beach and did not come home on time for the turkey dinner and I put it all on the table with the carving knife stuck in the top of the turkey, then I went up and took a shower and read....I remember thinking...when I stuck that knife in that turkey.....those children are really inconsiderate by not coming home..and maybe they were...however, they were children and it was the ocean and it was a holiday and why not.........I know that I was not angry that long but I come a long way from there.......I would just leave everything until they got there and then we would do it together...I think that was also the day I attempted to use the microwave and put the bread in for 1o minutes...thinking if they called for 30 minutes in the oven 10 in the micro should do it...it did...I also put those dried out pulverized breads on the table....and that is still true of the microwave.. but I don't believe in them and never really did...

I do remember a great dish...."cigarette butt soup"....I was a smoker and I made this huge pot of soup...I think they set me up but one does not know because I always had a cig in my mouth...they opened up the soup and on top was this cigarette butt with some ashes...it was a kick...I did not really know what to say....except...when asked I said it was a new recipe....cigarette butt soup....and it was dinner ...and we ate it...

The was the homemade kimchee that every one decided to spice up with hot stuff and I took a big mouthful and burned my tongue so bad I did not eat for a few days because the firs layer of my skin was gone....

My friend and I did so many tricks...we blacked out her tooth one time and then started wrestling and made like the kids knocked it out...and we hurried to the car to take her to the doc...actually we went to the 711...got candy bars and coke (which I did not let them have often) drove the Lanikai Loop and ate them laughing so hard....What do you think happens when you put 80 candles on a small birthday cake ...??

For me it was about having fun, trying to instill in them to be the best that they could be for themselves....to try, to taste, touch and go for it...to be good people and help others and they all are.

They had so much courage and they embraced their situation and today all four of them should be proud of what they have accomplished and experienced....

So much fun in so little time...it was great.

I thank them for the many lessons.

WHAT DO I WANT - THE UNFINISHED LIST

I want a relationship with a man that is all encompassing. I want someone who loves me unconditionally and will help me over the humps I tend to create for myself.

I want someone that will understand that my mind is fairy dust on occasion and that I am not always going to get some simple common sense stuff.

On the other hand he must also understand that I have read and will continue to read technical books that I cannot explain to someone else but I understand on some level...how it all relates and operates in relation to the research that I am doing.

I want someone that can turn me around when I falter on the path. Someone who is strong and masculine and hears me and senses that inside me there is a plethora of all that a woman wants and can be.

I want to know that I can sit outside in the rain and get drenched and it is okay and that I can step in the puddles on the street corner and he will understand.

I want to know that it is okay to be silly and a trickster on occasion and that I can laugh and cry and that is okay...

I want someone I can tell my experience of a special man that touched my life and what we shared and know that it is okay. To speak of the experience and journey of his death that resides in my being.

I want to know that it is okay to be sexually open in the place where we reside and that I can feel the freedom to experiment with my sensual and sexual self and that I have permission to at least ask and receive some of the "stuff" that pleasures me.

I want someone to take care of the major responsibility of providing shelter and taking the car to get fixed.

The Desperation of Death and the Knowing

The desperation of death and the knowing . How does one deal with this as you draw closer to the knowing that is deep within your own being now surfacing…A voice from the living room asks did you ever watch a porn flick. Busily cooking not really listening intently I answer why of course and then there is this silence, this foreboding silence and the particles within my brain of the probabilities bring voice to what is quantumly existing on the other side of the wall and the words spring forth ever so gently from my lips as I quit what I am doing to speak the words that I know will comfort his soul at this moment.

This man, this wonderful, courageous, opinionated, man has come to a place of the deepest vulnerability of his soul. Do you want a porn film….yes he eagerly replies and me well I know I have to go…it is dark outside and I do not know my way …this area is so new and yet I go off in the night to fulfill this request ….I stop at every place that would appear to have a film like this and the courage to ask is forthright but when the answers are no and I am on occasion scoffed a bit and judged I meekly meander to the car and proceed,,,,,, thinking…. “would they behave that way if they knew my quest” and alas after several stops I find a place. There is no one in the place and I ask this young Asian man and he points me in the direction of a little corner where brown paper bags cut precisely to the size of the cover of the magazine or the video reside. So self conscious about this I am …. wondering in my mind what this young man must think as he watches me from his sideways stance, me I look at the video covers reading the sensationalism of the sex act that lies within the tape and wonder ….my eyes wander, what am I doing, I I know nothing of which one to get or what will satisfy his desire at this moment. He has intimated for a few days that he thinks certain functions are waning within and will he ever experience all that his mind has opened him to since beginning this journey. Will I promise him that I will stay until the end and hold him and understand and allow him to make all the decisions until he no longer can. Will I make sure that he is allowed to maintain his dignity…Will I please help him no matter what his request and understand and still love him…Please help me I do not know which one to choose and more and more people are entering the store and most of them men and I am frozen in this place and just want to flee…Just pick one and get out of here after the next person leaves this store and I grab it and hurriedly walk to the counter hoping no one will enter until this transaction is over…I cannot even meet this young mans eyes as I hand him my card for payment and scurry out of the store feeling jubilant and yet a bit ashamed..

I am in the car and lock the doors and put my head in my hands on the steering wheel, I have been gone for over an hour and now I must take this to him and wonder if it will be okay….I am home and just at the door and timid about going in and as I enter I see this man sitting there eagerly awaiting the arrival…I hand him the brown paper bag in a somewhat hurried manner and retreat to the kitchen to finish…I hear fumbling from the room and then I here this voice requesting my presence….I slowly return to the room with my knowing of what is to transpire, somewhat eager and somewhat sad.

After several hours of re enactment and prodding and probing I was exhausted and lay limp on the floor, no longer able to maneuver myself or him with his growing neuropathy. As he grew closer to death his body became extremely hot and almost unbearable for me at times to be next to and yet I dug deep to stay close. I wondered how it felt to him but would not ask. He shared so much, maybe it did not feel hot to him and I did not want to add to his dilemma. What I do know is that what happened this past several hours was a bit fanatical and desperate. A man reaching for that last bit of pleasure with a woman that was willing to brave the unknown for the experience of being with the gentle soul within. It was not an easy journey that night so much to experience and feel and learn and it has taken me all this time to let it go….and cry….It is time.

JUNE 26, 2006

Our heads are filled with thoughts or at least mine is….I know that others are also but I wonder if the voices or the several way conversations are?

I remember with Shelley that I would be sitting there having this conversation inside my head and then come out with something and I did that with Phil and they both would look at me and we might laugh or Shelley would say…what are we talking about…but Tony, well, in his best voice and with all his accolades he would just say …thanks for inviting me into your conversation however I seem to have miss a portion to respond appropriately and then after this happened several times we would both just laugh.

For me on occasion it feels like yesterday and then I wonder if it ever existed.

I really love the mariposa butterfly strands hanging in NM…I loved it as I came up the escalator I felt like a silly child running through fields of tall grasses and butterfly darting past me as I ran gleefully hither and yon…I am glad I have this childlike innocent experiences however it has been difficult at times because most people do not believe the wonderment place that I live in. I’m there and I’m glad and I really would not trade it for anything else because it makes my body feel good and my mind..

I seemed to be a child and I do not remember all, that was more inhibited. When at grannies I did not feel those inhibitions when sitting outside or wandering the neighborhood. I always remember being the absconder of petals and leaves and grasses and the explorer of fields, the stone quarry by the river, the viaduct, the Mexican family on the corner, if only they knew the adventures….I do remember liking the solitude even then.

I feel great peace within me when working in a yard, pulling weeds, planting and feeling the dirt under my nails. It is a calming time and then the planting and growing is also a joy when you see the seedlings, nurture then to their maturity…almost like children or other humans that you invite into your life.

JUNE 27, 2006

June 27, 2006


Well…I have to get this scripted as I am not well and have not been well for some days.
So…lets see it started on Saturday…..with Rose….some bread, puffs off a cig and then Robins and wine and bread and yelling and then Ellen’s who was sick and the house a dusty mess and then home and then a cig and more sore throat and yucky and then lunch with Joan and Deb, salad lasted to Jennifers which was 10 min breathing that air and then filled up with everyones stuff….okay….you will be better now…..you can see it and know that you are a light weight sometimes and maybe that is why you tend to just stay in because in going out you get stuff and then you are down for a few days…has it been self preservation all along……who knows….

For any and all an none that might read this …please know that I do not like being sick. I will push myself and cover it up until I fall on my face and I will deal with it in the most natural way that I can and I don’t want doctors or hospital to assist me….I can do it on my own with a little help and understanding from my friends….most that I tell do not understand any way so ….the stone is set…

Just go on living and do the best you can with what you have and get on with it…let your body heal on its own and nurture yourself with all you got…don’t expect or intend that any one would understand..maybe a few…but only those that have been there….

I want it to rain ..please so that I can just stand there and let the healing waters from the sky surround me and bathe the toxins off of me and heal me and let me smell the freshness and feel the water on my body….it is so great a feeling .

Mango mania is all over the place and I just would like it to be over…much work. It it windy and I love to listen to it and feel it on my face and body and I would very much just like to live in Wapio a hermit like Linda for the rest of my days….and feel the quiet and solitude that surrounds …that valley is so wonderful…

I was so exhausted last night….and this am …please heal me and do away with this sick feeling….I have much work to do if I am going to stay here and even if I am not I really need to formulate my plans and move forward....and going to Oregon would not be a bad idea…..with the idea of coming back here……

I sure am crying a lot….with no real thought as to why….just let it go….and come or whatever….

More later….

BITS AND PIECES

You invade my soul with some of your questions and I do not know how to answer…or is it my soul…… or some knowing place that you have insight or intuition of…any way I don’t like it…..(and that is okay because it is good for me) and I don’t want to misrepresent myself. So at the moment I struggle for the correct words and of course …they are not there and then I feel stupid because I could not clearly speak my truth or what I understand is my truth.

I know that I have been with several men who have told me that I have effected/affected them in some manner to move forward in their lives…did I know that at the time …
During those encounters there was a point at which I felt like I was merely a vessel for the release of all that was within them and allowed that. When I tell you I am not conscious some times well…. that is how it feels to me. I know that with some of them I have been drained and lack energy for sometime or feel this tremendous sadness or pain.

This is not something you tell someone or even admit to yourself until you educate yourself more and then you still wonder if that is reality or some illusion within you or at least I have and you change a bit with each occurrence and you wonder if one day this will stop……it drains my life force and then I retreat to rebuild it…a lonely place to be..

You ask did I choose this path…I search still for those answers….

What I have learned is that I have to be more conscious all the time, something that seems difficult for me. I, at first sight, only see the good within and become blinded to what is the reality in front of me. My last two encounters were prime examples of me not trusting my self and my intuition. The first encounter left me drained for a while, the second made me real angry with myself and not very trusting that I have enough sense to actually find a good mate for myself.

When you say things like …I have taken all these classes about reading body language and communication …at first I think ..yikes…I feel confronted…he will see me and what is inside of me and that means I will be vulnerable on some level….and then I also feel annoyed because I could never totally get all that when reading about body language, it all seemed to abstract to me and what is easiest for me is touch.

I get concerned when I am speaking with someone that seems to be in my space a bit like you seem to be doing…this is a good thing…You know you try to be honest about who you are and its difficult to say all the stuff that maybe is part of your character that you take for granted…like being stubborn….some one else sees stubborn…your perception is different….my friend also tells me that I am a handful…someone else has said “taming of the shrew” and I understand them on some level but do not know how to explain that to any one because I am gentle and kind and loving and warm…opinionated ..understanding …free spirited and it is when this spirit is challenged that I probably become stubborn …do you think? I do know that a strong male influence calms me and that there are times when I just need to be taken to the bed room and equalized. On that note I end this parable.

THOUGHTS AND MORE THOUGHTS

Writing….I think all the time…getting those thoughts out of my head and on the paper is difficult for me….so…I am looking for that software or hardware that I can hook up to my brain waves and it will translate that for me…the words and wisdoms that race through my mind.

So much to say….and my feeble attempts frustrate me at at times….this is the time of my mom last year….my eyes fill with tears when thoughts of her flood my psyche. She was an incredible women in many respects…spunky comes to mind. I always thought she was so beautiful with all her matching clothes and when she dressed up she was beautiful.
Over the years I did not spend that much time in person with her but I do believe that we had quality the time we did spend together….we were both there 100%. Our hours long phone conversations that ran out the batteries of both our phones are testament to many words being spoken of our lives and what and who we were and are.

Illness is such a gift. I know most do not think so however I would just ask anyone who has been very ill ….what did you learn. I am sure we would all have a "story". I have mine…Then there is that word "Cancer" which I think most view in the same category as the word "Death". With all the research that is being done I would think that perhaps we could find a different label and then would the "dis ease" process associated with that illness change the statistics of the survival rates….perhaps even our view to look "outside the box" for different venues of treating that illness….in so many directions today we hear of quantum this and nano that …

I know my experience of most acquaintances, family and friends is cancer, chemo, radiation. I so much more would like to see it be ….diet, exercise, meditation, visualization, herbs, homeopathy, acupuncture, laughing, hydration, journey to the depths of self.

My head is filled with thoughts and my body is whelmed with emotion of Hawaii or emotion of all that I am and my life.

I thought so much the last couple of days about everything before me and this dreamer in me searches for the mechanisms that will be the right avenue for all the thoughts and feelings.

I have recently been in contact with a writer who seems to just have the flow and is full of books. Has one published and several waiting…although that is not my goal I wonder what it might be like to be full and then not get published.

I ponder that his frustrations might be the same as mine on some level…He has found his mechanism for the words flowing forth into the realization and form of a book yet not available to all of us. I have yet to find the avenue of getting outside my head and on to the paper. I only seek the readership of my family and those that have touched my life and become my teachers and have bestowed upon me the gifts of their knowing.

It has always been difficult for me to speak my words. The rationalizations in my head are not always what comes forth on the paper. The thoughts move so much more quickly than any device I have found. Thought transference, if I could this would be complete.

I laugh at myself and think …okay…you have purchased the computer and the tapes to help those thoughts and yet…I have not found my flow…the thoughts are like conversations with myself…well…they are…I have been able to formulate this intense conversational system within myself without speaking. This started for me as a child…a misunderstood child…..one that listened to the conversations and drama that surrounded her and then spoke to herself within the framework of her own mind…

I have found very few to speak with since Tony’s death. We spoke of everything that was inside me and inside him. Actually the first person I had every met where that flow existed. The environment was a safe and void of judgment place where two people existed in love for but a brief time. I try not to question and yet I am full of question. He was my “Tuesday’s with Morrie” man. Is that the reason it worked so well? He was definitely going to die and I was in recovery of a mind/body/spirit death and reawakening. At times there was not a need for words between us. There were times when we both held each others hand and this calm sense of realization grasped that solitary moment of a union of friendship and acceptance and fortitude. His was my most precious marriage although only performed by us in the hospital room, he planned it and perfected it and surprised me with the proposal and ceremony, it was a precious gift that has filled me with so much grace. We laughed and giggled and snuggled naked in the hospital bed after many reprimands by the staff just being close, savoring the touch of the moment physically and mentally and knowing that our time together was getting shorter but night was hours and we lingered in the sensation of just being.

There is the part of me that wants to shout to everyone in relationship. Love..just love the one you are with. Look into their eyes and see them for all they are, observe the tenderness of the soul within. I realize that we are all very multifaceted gems, some polished and some still a little rough cut. If, however, we accept ourselves for all that we are and are not and truly know ourselves inside and out, then I do believe our love is different than those who search for someone to fulfill some need.

MY FRIEND THE POET EXPRESSIONS OF ME

Ah, the day before Christmas, and at my keyboard
The surveys were sorted, my spirits had soared;
I went to the candy dish and dipped in my hand
With thoughts of the time off and what had been planned.....

Twas I in my bunny suit
A log on the fire
A good book for reading
And music--some choir--
When what to my wondering eyes should come plain
But Santa, all breathless, at my window pane.
"I found her" he said.
"Down in Mesa! St Anne!
I left her the boxes
Since it was your plan."
His eyes were atwinkle,
His grin was so merry
And I knew 'neath the juniper
He'd stopped to tarry.
He said it had been such a wonderful trip
Did you know that St.Anne had a marvelous whip?
and crystals that sparkle,
eyeglasses galore,
A library extensive
And books on the floor,
A quilt full of color, a glorious spread,
and a lackluster bra she kept under the bed!
some candles, some pictures, a number of toys,
And things that were taken apart by the boys."

And then he grew silent,
The memories so dear,
He wished to return--he made it so clear.
So don't be surprised
Or think it amiss
If he sneaks in your bed
And gives you a big kiss
And whispers "I love you"
And so do we here --
Merry Christmas
Good Season
and Kentucky Fried Cheer.

Xxxxxx Margaret-many-verses

PANDORA'S BOX

Yes, I was supposed to be posting to the blog…my fantasy or dream of being a writer ( because I love to read), or maybe thinking I could influence someone with the wisdoms I had learned over the years…no…therapy….for my soul …to find a voice to have a voice to just vent because I isolate myself …to speak my truth so that I may read it then make sure I walk it….

To leave a legacy of babble for my children and grand children, family and friends so they know how I feel and/or felt about something in a particular moment….those precious moments….of time shared ..those unspoken thoughts…that reside in the corners of my mind….

And so…where to begin…it is 2/18/2008 at about 11:59 pm in Hawaii on Wahinekoa Street. I can still hear some traffic in the distance….air planes bringing visitors to "paradise" fast becoming a "paradise lost" for those of us who remember the "good old days".

Let the verbiage begin…..

I'll begin with my most recent stint of a free weekend on eharm…what fun…answering questions and sending to and fro to dance the dance of finding our life partner, the new age way…not what I had ever envisioned for myself but then again…I never envisioned myself single for so long either…. I had thought some time ago when I joined eharm that this would be a great venue for me so that I could be clear and honest about the who, what, where, why and how of me and that might be somewhat true …however what I have found is that not everyone is fostering that ideal….and our bantering is nothing more that our intro into a totally different dance of courtship that sometimes ends rather abruptly with the click of a mouse….I "closed a match" because someone answered that having a male friend when in a relationship meant "trouble"…click…close match…."other"I believe was the reason….I have always had men friends in my life…I could call them my "band of brothers" and yes I was intimate with some and we all have moved on in our lives to different situations and for some reason remained in contact and our relationships have grown into friendships….do I want to give them up…NO….do I want a man I meet to give up his female friends…NO. I put the funkiest picture in…and everyone wants a picture…I have seen none of the correspondents of this past weekend….characters we all are…wanting intelligent, in shape, kind, caring, funny, clean…(now…that one gets me…for the most part I am a clean person…but…I also like dirt…and I like to get dirty and sweat and feel the physicalness of whatever it is that makes me that way….so is that acceptable and there are times when I like my natural odor and would that be acceptable for a short period of time…I do get nervous when I see that requirement in the "must have's"….I had over 200 matches…now…if the weekend has been longer I could have had 200 eharm dates on some level….wow….what a thought….gave a couple of men my "personal email" so who knows…..maybe there will be a match…one gent might have gotten it right…"does any one really get you"….although I answered I keep wondering….

THE ATTIC

The Attic

I have had the attic on my mind lately….I can see it all so clearly but not the person that was there so much…it is like viewing another person.

The cold simple attic….the peace I felt and the solace experienced. I can remember the emptiness or the nothingness that was with me.

Oh yes, I could go downstairs and be with Shelley and Erinn and put on this face and then when I started the climb into the darkness, the unfinished space, rustic, open, cold I could just feel my body…not my spirit or soul or being within.

It was like this blank being existed. No thinking, no spirit, no life within…just trying to be. I can remember getting the huge branch from the storm and putting it in the dormer across from my bed and looking at its shadow from the bed.

I can remember crawling into the bed, the single mattress on the floorboards of the attic and being cold as ice yet not feeling the existence of a life within me. And yet it all seemed so simple and uncomplicated.

Odd for me but there were no thoughts or analyzing of any thing….I was spent, done, used, void, just really for the first time being…being with each moment as it was the little wonder I had was about survival…it wasn’t even a wonder really it was a statement in my head that I repeated to myself…You will make it, and saying over and over in my thoughts, heal, heal, heal…..
That little work room in the attic was icy but it gave me solace and it was like I needed to feel the cold in order to know I was still alive in some realm of existence…It amazes me the blankness of existence that I experienced at the time