My head is filled with thoughts and my body is whelmed with emotion of Hawaii or emotion of all that I am and my life.
I thought so much the last couple of days about everything before me and this dreamer in me searches for the mechanisms that will be the right avenue for all the thoughts and feelings.
I have recently been in contact with a writer who seems to just have the flow and is full of books. Has one published and several waiting…although that is not my goal I wonder what it might be like to be full and then not get published.
I ponder that his frustrations might be the same as mine on some level…He has found his mechanism for the words flowing forth into the realization and form of a book yet not available to all of us. I have yet to find the avenue of getting outside my head and on to the paper. I only seek the readership of my family and those that have touched my life and become my teachers and have bestowed upon me the gifts of their knowing.
It has always been difficult for me to speak my words. The rationalizations in my head are not always what comes forth on the paper. The thoughts move so much more quickly than any device I have found. Thought transference, if I could this would be complete.
I laugh at myself and think …okay…you have purchased the computer and the tapes to help those thoughts and yet…I have not found my flow…the thoughts are like conversations with myself…well…they are…I have been able to formulate this intense conversational system within myself without speaking. This started for me as a child…a misunderstood child…..one that listened to the conversations and drama that surrounded her and then spoke to herself within the framework of her own mind…
I have found very few to speak with since Tony’s death. We spoke of everything that was inside me and inside him. Actually the first person I had every met where that flow existed. The environment was a safe and void of judgment place where two people existed in love for but a brief time. I try not to question and yet I am full of question. He was my “Tuesday’s with Morrie” man. Is that the reason it worked so well? He was definitely going to die and I was in recovery of a mind/body/spirit death and reawakening. At times there was not a need for words between us. There were times when we both held each others hand and this calm sense of realization grasped that solitary moment of a union of friendship and acceptance and fortitude. His was my most precious marriage although only performed by us in the hospital room, he planned it and perfected it and surprised me with the proposal and ceremony, it was a precious gift that has filled me with so much grace. We laughed and giggled and snuggled naked in the hospital bed after many reprimands by the staff just being close, savoring the touch of the moment physically and mentally and knowing that our time together was getting shorter but night was hours and we lingered in the sensation of just being.
There is the part of me that wants to shout to everyone in relationship. Love..just love the one you are with. Look into their eyes and see them for all they are, observe the tenderness of the soul within. I realize that we are all very multifaceted gems, some polished and some still a little rough cut. If, however, we accept ourselves for all that we are and are not and truly know ourselves inside and out, then I do believe our love is different than those who search for someone to fulfill some need.
I thought so much the last couple of days about everything before me and this dreamer in me searches for the mechanisms that will be the right avenue for all the thoughts and feelings.
I have recently been in contact with a writer who seems to just have the flow and is full of books. Has one published and several waiting…although that is not my goal I wonder what it might be like to be full and then not get published.
I ponder that his frustrations might be the same as mine on some level…He has found his mechanism for the words flowing forth into the realization and form of a book yet not available to all of us. I have yet to find the avenue of getting outside my head and on to the paper. I only seek the readership of my family and those that have touched my life and become my teachers and have bestowed upon me the gifts of their knowing.
It has always been difficult for me to speak my words. The rationalizations in my head are not always what comes forth on the paper. The thoughts move so much more quickly than any device I have found. Thought transference, if I could this would be complete.
I laugh at myself and think …okay…you have purchased the computer and the tapes to help those thoughts and yet…I have not found my flow…the thoughts are like conversations with myself…well…they are…I have been able to formulate this intense conversational system within myself without speaking. This started for me as a child…a misunderstood child…..one that listened to the conversations and drama that surrounded her and then spoke to herself within the framework of her own mind…
I have found very few to speak with since Tony’s death. We spoke of everything that was inside me and inside him. Actually the first person I had every met where that flow existed. The environment was a safe and void of judgment place where two people existed in love for but a brief time. I try not to question and yet I am full of question. He was my “Tuesday’s with Morrie” man. Is that the reason it worked so well? He was definitely going to die and I was in recovery of a mind/body/spirit death and reawakening. At times there was not a need for words between us. There were times when we both held each others hand and this calm sense of realization grasped that solitary moment of a union of friendship and acceptance and fortitude. His was my most precious marriage although only performed by us in the hospital room, he planned it and perfected it and surprised me with the proposal and ceremony, it was a precious gift that has filled me with so much grace. We laughed and giggled and snuggled naked in the hospital bed after many reprimands by the staff just being close, savoring the touch of the moment physically and mentally and knowing that our time together was getting shorter but night was hours and we lingered in the sensation of just being.
There is the part of me that wants to shout to everyone in relationship. Love..just love the one you are with. Look into their eyes and see them for all they are, observe the tenderness of the soul within. I realize that we are all very multifaceted gems, some polished and some still a little rough cut. If, however, we accept ourselves for all that we are and are not and truly know ourselves inside and out, then I do believe our love is different than those who search for someone to fulfill some need.
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