The desperation of death and the knowing . How does one deal with this as you draw closer to the knowing that is deep within your own being now surfacing…A voice from the living room asks did you ever watch a porn flick. Busily cooking not really listening intently I answer why of course and then there is this silence, this foreboding silence and the particles within my brain of the probabilities bring voice to what is quantumly existing on the other side of the wall and the words spring forth ever so gently from my lips as I quit what I am doing to speak the words that I know will comfort his soul at this moment.
This man, this wonderful, courageous, opinionated, man has come to a place of the deepest vulnerability of his soul. Do you want a porn film….yes he eagerly replies and me well I know I have to go…it is dark outside and I do not know my way …this area is so new and yet I go off in the night to fulfill this request ….I stop at every place that would appear to have a film like this and the courage to ask is forthright but when the answers are no and I am on occasion scoffed a bit and judged I meekly meander to the car and proceed,,,,,, thinking…. “would they behave that way if they knew my quest” and alas after several stops I find a place. There is no one in the place and I ask this young Asian man and he points me in the direction of a little corner where brown paper bags cut precisely to the size of the cover of the magazine or the video reside. So self conscious about this I am …. wondering in my mind what this young man must think as he watches me from his sideways stance, me I look at the video covers reading the sensationalism of the sex act that lies within the tape and wonder ….my eyes wander, what am I doing, I I know nothing of which one to get or what will satisfy his desire at this moment. He has intimated for a few days that he thinks certain functions are waning within and will he ever experience all that his mind has opened him to since beginning this journey. Will I promise him that I will stay until the end and hold him and understand and allow him to make all the decisions until he no longer can. Will I make sure that he is allowed to maintain his dignity…Will I please help him no matter what his request and understand and still love him…Please help me I do not know which one to choose and more and more people are entering the store and most of them men and I am frozen in this place and just want to flee…Just pick one and get out of here after the next person leaves this store and I grab it and hurriedly walk to the counter hoping no one will enter until this transaction is over…I cannot even meet this young mans eyes as I hand him my card for payment and scurry out of the store feeling jubilant and yet a bit ashamed..
I am in the car and lock the doors and put my head in my hands on the steering wheel, I have been gone for over an hour and now I must take this to him and wonder if it will be okay….I am home and just at the door and timid about going in and as I enter I see this man sitting there eagerly awaiting the arrival…I hand him the brown paper bag in a somewhat hurried manner and retreat to the kitchen to finish…I hear fumbling from the room and then I here this voice requesting my presence….I slowly return to the room with my knowing of what is to transpire, somewhat eager and somewhat sad.
After several hours of re enactment and prodding and probing I was exhausted and lay limp on the floor, no longer able to maneuver myself or him with his growing neuropathy. As he grew closer to death his body became extremely hot and almost unbearable for me at times to be next to and yet I dug deep to stay close. I wondered how it felt to him but would not ask. He shared so much, maybe it did not feel hot to him and I did not want to add to his dilemma. What I do know is that what happened this past several hours was a bit fanatical and desperate. A man reaching for that last bit of pleasure with a woman that was willing to brave the unknown for the experience of being with the gentle soul within. It was not an easy journey that night so much to experience and feel and learn and it has taken me all this time to let it go….and cry….It is time.
I am in the car and lock the doors and put my head in my hands on the steering wheel, I have been gone for over an hour and now I must take this to him and wonder if it will be okay….I am home and just at the door and timid about going in and as I enter I see this man sitting there eagerly awaiting the arrival…I hand him the brown paper bag in a somewhat hurried manner and retreat to the kitchen to finish…I hear fumbling from the room and then I here this voice requesting my presence….I slowly return to the room with my knowing of what is to transpire, somewhat eager and somewhat sad.
After several hours of re enactment and prodding and probing I was exhausted and lay limp on the floor, no longer able to maneuver myself or him with his growing neuropathy. As he grew closer to death his body became extremely hot and almost unbearable for me at times to be next to and yet I dug deep to stay close. I wondered how it felt to him but would not ask. He shared so much, maybe it did not feel hot to him and I did not want to add to his dilemma. What I do know is that what happened this past several hours was a bit fanatical and desperate. A man reaching for that last bit of pleasure with a woman that was willing to brave the unknown for the experience of being with the gentle soul within. It was not an easy journey that night so much to experience and feel and learn and it has taken me all this time to let it go….and cry….It is time.
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