THE ATTIC

The Attic

I have had the attic on my mind lately….I can see it all so clearly but not the person that was there so much…it is like viewing another person.

The cold simple attic….the peace I felt and the solace experienced. I can remember the emptiness or the nothingness that was with me.

Oh yes, I could go downstairs and be with Shelley and Erinn and put on this face and then when I started the climb into the darkness, the unfinished space, rustic, open, cold I could just feel my body…not my spirit or soul or being within.

It was like this blank being existed. No thinking, no spirit, no life within…just trying to be. I can remember getting the huge branch from the storm and putting it in the dormer across from my bed and looking at its shadow from the bed.

I can remember crawling into the bed, the single mattress on the floorboards of the attic and being cold as ice yet not feeling the existence of a life within me. And yet it all seemed so simple and uncomplicated.

Odd for me but there were no thoughts or analyzing of any thing….I was spent, done, used, void, just really for the first time being…being with each moment as it was the little wonder I had was about survival…it wasn’t even a wonder really it was a statement in my head that I repeated to myself…You will make it, and saying over and over in my thoughts, heal, heal, heal…..
That little work room in the attic was icy but it gave me solace and it was like I needed to feel the cold in order to know I was still alive in some realm of existence…It amazes me the blankness of existence that I experienced at the time